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.She told me she'd leave a ratty towel on the dresser, and I'd need to spread it on the floor ahead of time so as not to break the mood.She'd leave the bedroom window unlocked before she got in the shower.So I'm hiding in the closet, naked with all her dry cleaning sticking to me, the pantyhose over my head, wearing sunglasses and holding the dullest knife I could find, waiting.The towel's spread on the floor.The pantyhose are so hot my face is running with sweat.The hair plastered to my head starts to itch.Not by the window, she'd told me.And not by the fireplace.She said to rape her near the armoire, but not too near.She said to try and spread the towel in a high-traffic area where the carpet wouldn't show as much wear.This is a girl named Gwen I met in the Recovery section of a bookstore.It's hard to say who picked up whom, but she was pretending to read a twelve-step book about sexual addiction, and I was wearing my lucky camo pants and cruising her over a copy of the same book, and I figured what's one more dangerous liaison.Birds do it.Bees do it.I need that rush of endorphins.To tranquilize me.I crave the peptide phenylethyl-amine.This is who I am.An addict.I mean, who's counting?In the bookstore coffee shop, Gwen said to get some rope, but not nylon rope be-cause it hurt too much.Hemp gives her an inflamed rash.Black electrical tape would work, too, but not over her mouth, and not duct tape."Pulling off duct tape," she said, "is about as erotic as getting my legs waxed."We compared our schedules, and Thursday was out.Friday I had my regular sexaholics meeting.No chits for me this week.Saturday I spent at St.Anthony's.Most Sunday nights she helped run a bingo event at her church, so we settled on Monday.Monday at nine, not eight, because she worked until late in the evening, and not ten because I had to be at work early the next morning.So Monday comes.The electrical tape is ready.The towel's spread, and when I leap at her with the knife she says, "Are those my pantyhose you're wearing?"I twist one of her arms behind her back and put the chilled blade to her throat."For crying out loud," she says."This is way out of bounds.I said you could rape me.I did not say you could ruin my pantyhose."With my knife hand, I grab the front edge of her lacy bathrobe and try to tug it off her shoulder."Stop, stop, stop," she says and slaps my hand away, "Here, let me do it.You're just going to ruin it." She twists away from me.I ask if I can take off my sunglasses."No," she says and slips out of her robe.Then she goes to the open closet and hangs the robe on a padded hanger.But I can't hardly see."Don't be so selfish," she says.Naked now, she takes my hand and presses it around one of her wrists.Then she slips her arm behind her back, turning to press her bare back to me.My dog's nosing higher and higher, and her warm slick butt crack's gumming me, and she says, "I need you to be a faceless attacker."I tell her its too embarrassing to buy a pair of pantyhose.A guy buying pantyhose is either a criminal or a pervert; either way the cashier will hardly take your money."Jeez, quit whining," she says."Every rapist I've ever been with has brought his own pantyhose."Plus I tell her, when you're looking at the pantyhose rack, they have all those colors and sizes.Nude, charcoal, beige, tan, black, cobalt, and none of them come in just "head-sized."She twists her face away and groans."Can I tell you something? Can I tell you just one thing?"I say, what?And she says, "Your breath is really bad."Back in the bookstore coffee shop, while we were still scripting, she said, "Make sure and put the knife in a freezer beforehand.I need it to be really really cold."I asked if maybe we could just use a rubber knife.And she said, "The knife is very important to my total experience."She said, "It's best if you put the edge of the knife to my throat before it gets to room temperature
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