[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.And just how do boys have sex with each otheranyway? What is expected from us? They had showed us how boys have sex with girlsin Sex Ed, but they hadn't even mentioned how boys are supposed to have sex witheach other.I fell onto the bed.I'm such a wreck.I stared a hole through the ceiling, wishing there was someone, anyone, that Icould talk to, who would sit and listen to my problems without judging me.With asigh, I turned my head and stared at the sky's charcoal-black fabric embroidered with athousand tiny diamonds.My heart skipped a few beats, hopeful.Maybe there was someone who was stillawake, who would be willing to listen and help me.I climbed out of bed, walked to mywindow and talked aloud."God." My voice was tight, exhausted from scaling the mountain that had grownin my throat."I don't know if you can hear me.I don't even know if you're real but ifyou are, please help me.I don't know what to do.I'm so damned confused."Until I met Luka, I was so lonely.So sad.But then you brought him into my lifeand for the first time, I feel special.I feel loved.For the first time, someone truly lovesme and I'm happy.Truly happy."God, if this is wrong, if this is a sin, why did you make me this way? Why didyou bring Luka into my life? Is this your idea of a sick joke? Were you bored orsomething? I just don't understand how something that feels so good, so right, andmakes me so happy could be evil."I started to cry.Even though I needed to talk to someone and let me feelings out,I was still left with more questions than answers."Why won't you give me an answer!" I shrieked at my silent creator."You're supposed to know everything.You're the creator and master of the universe.Why can'tyou help me? Why don't you want to help me? Am I not good enough for you? Do youeven give a damn about me? Do you even truly love me?"I grabbed onto the windowsill to keep from falling.The cruel sobs hadoverpowered my speech.And I stayed there until morning, waiting for an answer fromGod.An answer that never came.* * * * *My head rested comfortably on Luka's chest, breathing in the musk of hismasculinity.His arms were protectively around me, absent-mindedly stroking my hair.We were watching a rerun of an old sitcom in the living room, engulfed in theoverstuffed, cinnamon-brown, Italian leather couch.I found that my breath was having increased difficulty making the journey frommy diaphragm to the outside world.There was something on my mind that I had beencurious to investigate further; hopefully our relationship was at the point that he wouldtrust me to confess whatever secret he kept in his heart.I took a breath to build up mycourage.It was now or never.Time to take the plunge."Luka." My voice was small."I have to ask you something.""What is it, Mitch?""Promise me you won't get mad?" I looked up at him, my soul in my eyes."Mitch, whatever it is, just ask me.I won't get mad.I promise."I knew that he meant it.I took another breath."What happened?" I asked slowly."That made you have to move here?"Luka took a heavy breath.He knew he had to tell me.I knew this was going tobe hard for him, to relive the incident.I turned over and lay across his body, chest tochest and stomach to stomach.My boyfriend put his arms around me, sealing me tohim."Back in NoHo there was this boy in my school.He was the same age as me. God, he was beautiful." Luka told me the painful memory."I thought we were going tobe together forever.I thought I was in love with him and that he was, you know, in lovewith me too.But it was lust.Know what I mean? The only thing we did was have sex.We never talked.Never did anything else.It wasn't special like what we have.Weweren't friends.Just lovers.Not even that close."It hurt my heart to think of Luka with another boy, but I did my best not to showmy jealousy and just listen."Anyway, one night my parents came home early and found us together.In mybed.They were furious.I had never seen them so mad.My father&.I'll never forget thelook on his face.Disappointed.Disgusted.Ashamed."Luka's voice became tight and I could see his eyes start to sparkle with tiny, wetdiamonds."They threw Sean, that was his name, out of the house and called his parents.Inever saw him again.I think the thing that killed me the most was the fact that I didn'tget to say goodbye to him.I heard later that his parents actually locked him up in amental institute because he was gay."I wanted to say something to comfort him but the scavenger hunt I went on tofind words proved useless."After that, I started drinking, doing drugs, and hanging out with people Ishouldn't have.I threw myself into having sex with anyone.I prostituted my body toescape my pain.But it didn't help.I started to hate myself.I was ashamed of who I was.I.I tried to kill myself.By slicing my wrists
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]