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. So coming out here, is that really a goodthing? Cane suddenly found the toes of his shoes fascinating as heshrugged again. Better than hopping a plane to Baghdad. 47 Okay, I ll agree with you there, Matthew concurred.He thenjoined his lover in contemplating footwear as he asked, Don t you getenough of that, this, place in your head? Cane turned and started walking again. Sometimes I get balls,Matthew, Cane explained as he moved away.Matthew didn t know if it made him more angry or fucking sadthat Cane didn t realize the bravery he wore so handsomely every day ofhis life. Cane& Sometimes, I want to face the beast, and this is as close as I canget. Cane walked faster. I know it s stupid and childish.Okay, I knowit s fucking crazy but& Matthew put on a burst of speed and grabbed his lover by theshoulder.He spun him around and stared him dead in the eyes. But does ithelp? No. There was no doubt what that honesty had just cost him.Digging his thumb into his lover s shoulder, Matthew asked, Butyou keep hoping it will? He just wanted to understand.Cane s hazel eyes took on a willful glint that dared any man to goagainst what he was about to say. One day I ll kill it, Matthew.Even ifit s as a ninety-year-old man wasting away in a nursing home bed.I llwin, Cane swore.His eyes, however, lost their fire a little too quickly forMatthew s liking as Cane continued, Sometimes I ve just got toremember that, remind it of that. So what you re saying is that this is all macho shit? Cane dropped his head down and laughed sadly. Yeah.That sexactly what this is. Slinging a protective arm over his lover s shoulder, Matthewwondered, You don t think Blow Torch s daughter showing up on yourdoorstep was enough crap to put yourself through today? Cane turned his gaze toward him.Tears filled his eyes. I wasalready there, Matthew.Just looking at that little girl, I was breathing inthat Iraqi morning air.It was December and the war all over again. But you didn t flash back? Matthew was fairly sure he hadn t,but wanted to know all the variables he was working with just the same. Who the hell needs to bother with flashing back when yourconscience is already there? There was a tremble now to Cane sshoulders. She has his chin, Matthew.A lot of stubbornness is held in achin like that.And do you know what I kept thinking as soon as I noticedthat? No. 48 The tears fell, as rare as rain on a desert. I kept wondering ifmaybe the doctors were wrong.If maybe that wasn t a piece of her daddy schin stuck back there in my skull. Cane& I just knew she was going to ask about it. Cane knelt down onthe ground, hiding his face within his shaking hands.Matthew s knees hit the dirt without a second thought. Hey& And then what do I tell her? Though Matthew could no longersee Cane s face, he knew the tears had stopped in the rising anger. Do Itell that sweet little girl that her daddy was my responsibility and I let himget blown into little bloody pieces? Should I have asked her to feel mydamned head and say, Feel that? That s all that s left of your daddynow& and I have it and I m not giving it back. Matthew tried to pull him to his chest, but Cane was havingnothing of it.He jerked his shoulders away from Matthew and just staredhard at his lover, desperately needing an answer.Right or wrong, Matthew gave it to him. Do you know what youcould give Sahara? Cane slowly shook his head. The Bronze Star and the letter.Iona told me there was a letterfrom Blow Torch to her and El. His face scowling in confusion, Cane demanded, Why the hellwould Iona& Matthew sighed.He damned well hated confessing. I found yourBronze Star.I should have asked you about it, but I didn t.When Saharashowed up and that whole part of your past was suddenly thrown into yourface& and when I couldn t find you afterwards& I asked Iona about it,wondering if it had something to do with Blow Torch.I needed tounderstand.I needed to find you.You disappearing scared the shit out ofme. Instead of anger or disappointment, Cane instead gave Matthew asad smile. So, you snooped? Matthew asked, You re laughing at me? He was trying to workup some anger, but all Matthew could really feel right now was relief.Theman he was going to marry and make love to every day for the rest of theirlives was smiling.Life might not be perfect, but it sure as hell was sweetsometimes. You snooping? Cane shrugged. It s cute. Matthew laughed. I d prefer stealthy, and throwing in a JamesBond reference wouldn t hurt you, you know. 49 Is that what all the crap was about when we woke up thismorning? Cane asked, slowly putting all the pieces together.Matthew nodded, feeling like an ass.He also felt like a second-grader having to explain his actions to the teacher and the rest of the class. I guess I made a mountain out of a mole hill.Won t happen again
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