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.Certainly, the people with whom we choose to share our feel-ings play a critical role in our experience.If they aren t ready orable to stay present or to receive and respond to our feelings in aconstructive way, we re not going to get very far.Sometimes shar-ing our feelings only makes matters worse.(If you have concernthat someone may be intolerant of your feelings and even hos-tile, then sharing your feelings isn t recommended, and you maywant to seek assistance from a skilled therapist.) But too often weunderestimate a friend s or loved one s capacity to be receptive 134 Living Like You Mean Itand appreciative, and shy away from communicating our feelingsaltogether.We don t even try, and thus deny ourselves the possi-bility of something better.As the saying goes, nothing ventured,nothing gained.I can t tell you how often clients of mine are surprised by howwell it goes when they ve taken the risk to open up with someonein their lives.They discover that they re able to stay present andsee it through, and that it s not as scary as they had thought itwould be.And, equally important, they discover that the otherperson is able to stay present and see it through as well.In short,they discover a new way of relating.Of course, sometimes it doesn t go as smoothly as we d like.After all, relationships are complex, and we can t control the out-come of every interaction.But we can learn to maximize thelikelihood that our feelings will be heard and responded to posi-tively.We can improve our ability to stay present and can learnand grow from the challenges we face.The first step is to be will-ing to open up and find out what s possible.Part of what makes sharing our feelings such a scary pros-pect is that we re just not sure how to go about it.We don t knowwhere to begin.We re unclear about what we want or need.We renot sure how best to communicate what s in our heart.It s no wonder that we re confused and not sure what to do.Our avoidance has kept us from developing the skills needed tounderstand and effectively share our feelings.But we can learn.This chapter lays out a road map that you can use to help younavigate this new and different terrain.You ll also learn severaluseful skills that with regular practice will smooth out the road asyou open up and share your feelings with others.GETTING STARTEDThe first step in communicating our feelings to others is under-standing them ourselves.When we take the time to slow downand mindfully attune to our feelings, we discover their inherentwisdom one of the many resources that become available tous when we re able to experience our emotions fully.If we lis-ten closely to what our feelings are saying, it s surprising just howmuch they tell us.Like a wise sage, they Opening Up 1351.Impart information2.Provide insight3.Give us guidanceBy connecting with and considering each of these aspects,we raise our self-awareness and deepen our self-understanding.Doing so also puts us in touch with our wants and needs.We rethen in a much better place to make an informed choice aboutwhere we want to go next.Let s take a closer look at the kinds of things we can learnwhen we pay attention to the wisdom of our feelings.InformationEmotions let us know when things are right and when they rewrong, when life is going well and when it s not.When we re ableto be fully present with and attuned to our feelings, the messagesthey convey are often simple and clear.Here are a few of the gen-eral themes:" Anger informs us that we re being offended in some way." Love lets us know that someone or something is important tous, that we re connected and care deeply." Fear tells us that we re in danger." Happiness tells us that our needs are met and things are goingwell." Guilt lets us know that we re doing or have done somethingwrong." Shame signals to us that we re feeling overexposed andvulnerable.Understanding the core messages of our feelings is an essen-tial first step toward figuring out how we want to respond.Thisisn t a matter of thinking about feelings, but of connecting withthem and what they re telling us.To do so requires that we spendsome time listening to what our feelings are communicating.Forinstance, Nina s sadness signaled to her that something was off.As she tuned in to this feeling and wondered what it was telling 136 Living Like You Mean Ither, it let her know how hurt she felt that her friends had backedaway and that Maggie had all but disappeared.She then under-stood more clearly why she was feeling so upset.You can use the Information Tool to help you get in touchwith what your feelings are telling you.Information Tool: What Are You Trying to Tell Me?As you consider whether you want to share your feelings withothers, spend some time listening to what they re saying to you.1.Get quiet, go inside, and focus on your feelings.2.Ask your feelings what they re trying to tell you.What are themessages they re communicating? What do they want you toknow?3.Give yourself some space and listen for the answer.Let it comefrom your feelings.If an answer doesn t come right away, letyourself stay open so that you ll be able to receive it when it does.InsightOnce we understand the basic information our feelings areconveying, the next step is to become aware of whether thereare underlying needs trying to be acknowledged as well.Ifwe re angry, what do we need? If we re feeling happy, what do wewant to do? If we re afraid, what would help us feel safe? Ouremotions know what s best for us and can lead us to the answers tothese questions.For instance, if Julie s father, whom we observedin Chapter Four when Julie called him to share her good news,reflected on his tepid response and was able to feel some guiltfor not being more supportive of his daughter, perhaps he wouldrecognize a desire to change his behavior or to make amends.InChapter Six, we could see that Brian s anger was letting him knowthat he needed to be treated with respect and that he wanted hismother to respond accordingly.Similarly, Nina s sadness is tell-ing her that she needs to let herself experience the pain of herfriend s absence and that she wants Maggie to step forward, beempathic, and apologize for not being there for her. Opening Up 137If Nina were to let her guard down and acknowledge herneeds and wants, she might open up and communicate them toMaggie and increase the likelihood of getting the support shelongs for.But she doesn t
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