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.Your innocence comes off you like a damn perfume. I sit there with my arms hugging myself, feeling rejected and a little like a fool for letting myemotions overrule responsible thoughts earlier.I'm also pissed at myself for once again letting myselfcare too much about Jay when clearly I'm.what? What am I to him? You confuse me, I say softly, staring out my window. Your kisses confuse me, your moodswings confuse me, our friendship confuses me if you can even call it that.Friends don't kiss likewe do.In fact, I m thinking most people will go through life never knowing a kiss like that, which is adamn shame. My voice gradually gets higher as anger starts to build.Why do I let Jay get under myskin so much? You confuse me too, Jay reaches over for my hand, I told you my life has been solitary.Itconfuses me that having you sleep in my bed has turned into almost a need.That's confusing as hell tome.I don't want to push you away, but I can't let us become something we will never be.And yeah,the way we kiss is.there's not even a word for it.I had no idea kissing could feel so. he sighs at aloss for words and I know exactly what he means.It's like our lips were made to kiss each other. I know you're leaving soon, but I don't understand why you don't want anything to happen? You're the kind of girl a guy knows he'll fall hard for if he lets you in and be in it for life. You're afraid of falling for me? It's going to be hard enough to leave you, adding intimacy between us will only make it worse. I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.Instead, I unbuckle and move to the middle seat.I re-buckle, rest my head on his shoulder, and kiss the hand I'm still holding.We drive the rest of theway home in silence.When we arrive home I go to my place and he goes to his, but he hands me his key, which I'massuming means he wants me over when he gets off. Chapter 11Sunday, January 123:46amI roll over to reach for Jay but feel cool cotton instead.I blindly reach for my phone on hisnightstand to find it's a half-hour past the time he gets home.Half asleep, I roll out of bed and trudge down the hall to find the living room and kitchen pitchblack.I look out the living room window to see his truck in the driveway.He's probably in the garage.I sleepily rub my eyes and start towards the hall but stop when movement in the backyard catchesmy attention.I walk over and stare out the back, which is open.Jay's standing out in the middle of his backyardwith flannel pajama bottoms on and shirtless.The only light is the moon and it casts just enough of aglow that I can make out his perfectly sculpted body.I soak him in and the beautiful fluid movementshis body is making as it moves gracefully and slow.I recognize it as Tai Chi, but I ve never seensomeone do it in person.Jay looks like he's not present, that his mind has gone somewhere else.It'sbreathtaking to watch.Once again I'm mesmerized by him and his many talents.He doesn t seem to register I'm here and then I see his face shift ever so slightly.He moves anarm out and gestures for me to come over.I nervously join him.I'm not sure if he's upset or notbecause it's too dark to see his features.Once we are closer I can fully see his face.It's devoid of any emotion and I try not to panic.The back of Jay's hand lightly brushes my cheek.I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting apeace wash over me.His hands take hold of my shoulders and turn me around, making my back facehim.He has me do the movements with him, guiding my body as we go along.I'm completely lost inthe moment.It's beautiful, sensual, and I have never felt more connected to anyone as I do right now.It's powerful, a little scary, and oddly makes me feel like I could cry.Not happy or sad tears, it'ssomething deeper.Maybe this is what happens when two souls connect and become one.He moves us and we are back to standing position but our hands remain together.One of hishands slowly starts to trail up my arm.It moves my hair then goes around my waist under my shirt,letting his thumb draw circles around my bellybutton.I first feel the tickle of his scruff, and then thesoftness of his lips as he presses them down on the curve of my neck.His lips don't go any further andhe takes long, deep breaths, taking me in.My head falls back and rests against him.I want to remember everything about this moment: theway it feels to be with him, the moonlight, the warm masculine scent of him, but mostly the deeppeace I feel.I turn to face him and it's the first time I ve been able to see the markings and scars covering hisskin.My throat tightens up at the sight of them.The first one I touch is a long one that trails over hisstomach at an angle
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